something i’ve never known

it’s a sunday and it could probably be the best sunday’s i’ve had so far [though i know it’s not] or it could probably be the worst so far. i think it’s somewhere in the middle.

i guess it’s just a regular lazy sunday except i got a lot of things done today.

1. went to church
2. bought new shoes
3. had my picture taken
4. helped casey study
5. did james’s homework thing
6. blah blah blah

idk. today basically sucked. i was holding james’s hand in church and i was thinking to myself, i have to make it right because this is the last time i’m seeing him for the week and then my hell starts again but then when you’re pissed, i guess you just can’t control what you’re thinking or what you say or you just can’t control anything.

    i think we were on the verge of breaking up today. or maybe he was and i was just waiting for him to do it. but he didn’t and i don’t know why. right now, it just feels like we’re not together even if we are. for me, at least. i haven’t been in the mood to text or talk to him the whole day because i’ve been hung up and depressed and i just want to know if he really did want to break up with me and are we still together tonight only because i wouldn’t and he doesn’t “break up” with girls.

idk, today just fucking sucks and i wish it would get better but i know that it can’t and it probably won’t.

i threw a coin in the fountain at ayala today. and i wished for 2 and only 2 things:
1. that we’d be ok
2. that there’s still hope for this always and forever thing.

sad sunday. perfect. that’s what i’m calling today.

i’m lost and i need those beautiful words i’ve been dying to hear the whole day.

i wish i wasn’t so paranoid.

fucking hell, i wish i didn’t care soo much.

whatever. this is  pathetic and not to mention depressing.

i’m scared i might loose everything i have in one second. i don’t trust myself or anyone else and that one thing i need right now is to feel safe.

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