the butt of every catastrophe

7 days ago my life was better. yeah, i was fussing about how terrible i thought my date was or how terrible i thought my night  would be.
7 days ago i was soo busy trying to look pretty, i didn’t even bother thinking about.. what i’d be in 7 days and that is, completely ruined.
At around 1 o clock today, it will be a week after i spilled my heart to the boy i’ve been dreaming of for much too long. it’ll be a week since i asked him to wait for me and it’ll be a week since he promised he would.

and in less than a week, i’ve been trammpled on, confused, happy, sad and mad at the world. and the crazier thing is, i’ve experienced all these things within less than 24 hours.

boy, you’ve ruined me.

my throat is tight, it’s choking me in it’s own little ways. my tears have stopped dripping like leaking faucets but thanks to the annual flashbacks, i easily find myself running to the nearest bathroom and trying my hardest not to cry, to force a smile and to fake a laugh. god, now i really do know how that feels like. 🙁

i honestly don’t know what to do anymore because i’ve learned soo many things in my life, i’ve given soo much advice but no matter how hard i think about everything, nothing wil ever ever give me the right reasons to why i should just get up, leave and find someone new because honestly, that’s not what i’m going for anymore. i realized that i don’t wanna put myself through this anymore especially if it’s going to hurt this much. i’d live without knowing.

i honestly think all of this is soo super duper unfair because honestly, how do you expect me to understand everything through a letter? i know that there is soo much more to what you wrote to me. i just need to know everything and i don’t care if it’s harsh or if you’d hurt me more because i have to know. i have to know what you’re telling my friends and i need to know why you’re telling me different things.

starts crying..

i know you think that i’m soo different from you. i know that you think that i don’t know what i want or that my priorities aren’t straight but honestly, that’s not true. and that could never be true. because honestly, i know what i want and i know that i’m going to get what i want it’s just that, i need that push and to tell you the truth, you gave me that push.

and then you just had to go and pull be right back.

and it’s funny how you keep telling me that you don’t dance cuz this one step forward and one step back charade with you is.. exactly like dancing. 🙁

franc, i know you have dreams and i know you have goals and i know that you are willing to acheive them and you don’t know how much i adore you for that. i just can’t help but wonder, did you ever think that i never supported you? that i held you back? i know i didn’t have much to say but that’s because i knew that that was your area. and i now, i don’t know. i just wished i talked more.

i have soo many things i wanna ask you, soo many things that i want to say to you but i know that i’m never going to tell you them because i’m figuring out that by telling you, i would just be complicating things. and you’ve made your decision, there’s no use in telling you what i need to say because i’m not even going to try to change your mind. you’ve made your decision and well, i made mine and i just realized thta.. i can’t always have things my way.

i was scared of soo much things, franc. i was scared that you’d hurt me or that i’d hurt you. i was scared that i couldn’t make you happy and among other things, i was scared that you wouldn’t love me the way i knew i was going to love you. but i was soo willing to forget all of that and jump hoping that it’d all be worth it end. i was soo ready to fly but all i ended up with was a sore butt and puffy eyes. but that’s what you do to me, franc. that’s what you’ve been doing to me all the time.

i hope you never say one thing and take it all back just like what you did because once you do, that’s that.
i’m sorry but i’m not going to be there for you. i’m not ready to be there for you when you need me now, it’s time for you to chase me like the way my insides have been chasing you.

god, i hate feeling this way. i hate how my world stops and how i see you and me in it. i hate how i see you with your dreams and priorities and not see me in it. i hate how i’ve always been just an option for you and never a priority. and i hate how you were always on the top of my list. and i hate how i’ve let you ruin me. and i hate how i let you kiss me and get away with it. i hate the memories we’ve had because i don’t know what to do with them. i don’t wanna remember them, franc becuase they’re only going to make me feel bad!

i was soo scared that i’d hurt you justt to end up having you hurt me.