we world hatin’ tonight, bitch

thank god for helpers though, if it weren’t for them, no one would pick up all the clothes i threw on the floor this morning. all that drama over a shirt. tsk. tsk. i really have outdone myself. [i’m soo good at being a brat/ bitch/ princess]

anyways, whatever. i’d save myself the time and not talk about tennis because.. i basically suck and i’d rather not talk about it. except for the news about me being on the newspaper for forfeiting the 12th Gullas Cup which i didn’t even join in the first place cuz… I’M FUCKING GROUNDED.

blah blah.

and yeah, the reason why i’m blogging at 1ish in the morning is cuz i’m stealing computer time because i’m a reckless rebel [PFFFT. YEAH, RIGHT] and just because i need to write right now because JAMES fell asleep on me and basically because noone’s here for me right now. [moping in self pity. shoot me NOW]

but yeah, seriously.

i guess i just had all this anger kept in me the whole day [and not to mention fear. shitloads of fear, too.] that i just had to cry my eyes out to make myself feel better. bad pms, i guess. but no, i know it’s more than that.

i mean, it’s the whole grounded thing.i hate it so much. i can’t take it. i hate the fact that my papa is being such an asshole to me. no, not just him.. my whole family is. all they ever do is give me nasty remarks about how i am or how i act or comment on how useless i am when i’ve been doing nothing but clean my room, work in the office and watch over the siblings. all i really want is that they leave me alone.

i don’t even eat with them anymore. there’s always an excuse like, i’m sleeping, i’m not hungry or i’m done eating. idk why but i just can’t stand them and when i’m around them, all i wanna do is cry because they’re giving me such a hard time and i’m not even kidding anymore.

i guess i’m also a wreck right now cuz i haven’t seen james since i got grounded. no, i saw him with Raissa and this other girl around dinner time but that didn’t count cuz i wasn’t completely happy to see him [seeing him through a gkass window just made me miss him more thus leading to more depression] esp. with her but yeah, they’re partners for debut and i’d hate to be the jealous girlfriend who can’t get a grip. but can i help myself if i get scared? i mean, i haven’t seen him in like how many days cuz he’s been away and when he did get home, he hangs out with this girl i don’t feel safe about. but i know he had to cuz of this debut thing and i do trust him and yeah, she could be harmless but like i said, i’m a mess right now and i guess i just need him soo bad right now.

i swear to god i haven’t cried this hard since church camp. i started pinching myself and bruising myself out of frustration cuz i just couldn’t stfu. emo much? no. there was just no one to comfort me when i needed alot of it. :[

and yeah, his girl friends wanna meet me and be friends. honestly, idk if i’m up for that. idk, it’s cuz i don’t get along that much with girls and like, i’m just really insecure about the whole thing. [cakalusa, if you’re reading this.. HAHA. GIRLS ARE NATURALLY DRAMATIC AND WHINEY. DEAL WITH IT. lol] just cause i’m scared they might not like me or that idk, i’d get to know them and realize that he could be better off with one of them [and i know who] and i’m just really scared right now.

i’m such a wuss. god, i need you.

idk oie. i’m just soo stressed and frustrated about a lot of things. one is that, he always FALLS ASLEEP ON ME! and cuz he always stops replying or changes subjects when i say something .. idk, worth discussing? I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA RIGHT NOW AND I JUST WANT TO DROWN. or be in his arms or cry – no, i’m already doing that again.

god i feel so bad and i feel soo hopeless and i don’t want to talk to anyone about it because i don’t want them to think that i’m some freak who can’t deal. i just need you right now or someone.i need a hug. a big one and i need some candy. i need assurance. i need to feel safe. i need him.

i need tissue i think i’ll have a hard time sleeping tonight.

i need to know that i’m going to get through this whole parents against kid shit. i need to know that putting up with the usual fighting is going to be worth it. I NEED THEM TO ACCEPT THAT I’M NOT GIVING UP ON THIS BECAUSE IT’S SOMETHING I WANT TO DO AND IT’S SOMETHING I’M HAPPY DOING.

but i’m not happy right now, Lord. HELP ME.