Changes

It has taken me approximately 5 days to finally integrate my old blog into my issaplease blog (I had to learn how to split .xml files- WOW!), FINALLY settle with a theme that I liked (note to self: DO NOT CHANGE THEMES ANYTIME SOON, PLEASE!) and then customize it to my liking (as you know, we have such sophisticated taste).

But we are finally done and I can stop thinking about this blog while I’m washing the dishes or while we play Call Of Duty.

Oddly, I am only in the mood to work on my blog at 1- 5 am in the morning. That’s just how I roll.

If you’re wondering why I decided to integrate my personal & professional blog this is the long short of it: I wanted to. It’s hard maintaining two blogs so this makes it easier.

I don’t mind sharing these deep dark parts of my life anymore. I know I used to because I felt like there was no place in the world for my teenage stricken anxiety & rebelliousness but there is now. This is the place.

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Anyways, today Paolo got me a gaming keyboard and mouse. It’s amazing. I used to not like that Paolo’s love language was gifts but when you’re stuck in quarantine and your husband goes out of his way to get you the gummies you like, KBBQ meat & gaming stuff to keep you from having your 1 millionth anxiety attack- a girl can’t complain.

I’m actually really grateful.

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It’s been a really weird couple of months and I wish I had thought to blog again sooner but you know- sometimes the best ideas come to you in the middle of the night while your dog is pushing you off to the edge of the bed.

life.

Literally me right now.

i aint’t shit

i’ve been feeling like absolute shit lately. i don’t even know what i’ve been running on anymore.

i’m unhappy. i’m uninspired. but i keep acting like i’ve got it all together. for who? i don’t need to fucking impress anyone at this point. i don’t have kids i need to pretend to be strong for. my husband doesn’t need me to be strong.

if i wanted to cry on the fucking bathroom floor, i could.

so here i am. lying in bed. just crying  my eyes out feeling like i’m never gonna be the person i need to be.

feeling like i’m a constant disappointment and like i ain’t shit.

it’s nice actually.

to be able to admit that to myself.

Life has been so hard lately. Everyone in the entire world is suffering and I’m stuck at home, not really able to do anything. I’m not saying I haven’t tried- because I have. I try to be a mix of everything I can be, given my “influence”.

I am trying to set a “good example”, “provide relief”, “give an educated distraction” and “reach out from my home”. All of this because I don’t have much to offer. I only have my voice and my platform.

We have staff to worry about. Bills to pay, debts that won’t be put on hold despite all of this. I saw the worry in my husband’s eyes and for someone who generally keeps it together, i heard him say- haay, nag rigor gyud akong ulo. How can I make this work? And I wished I had more to offer than just a hug. He apologized this morning for us potentially having to move in with his parents and i asked him why he was sorry. I sunk in my seat because i saw the weight I had put on him more than ever. I felt so bad.

I worry about everyone. The people who depend on us, the people I am able to influence, my family, the people I don’t know, the people I want to help but cannot or I haven’t figured out how to help yet.

I don’t think I’m a bad person. I know in my heart I am not selfish, I never pretend to be someone I am not. I think logically, reason logically and am unbiased. I may not be perfect but I never use my imperfection as an excuse. I own up to my own shit. In fact, I get bullied because of it. And how come the ONE TIME I defend myself I am the villain?