crazy times II

for the past few days, i’ve been thinking about leaving home and living at my grandmothers place. i know it sounds like a crazy thing to do but i cannot control what my mind thinks and why it wants to think such things.
i even made a list to weigh the reasons why i should stay and/or why i shouldn’t. i had like, a bunch of reasons why i should leave and only 2 reasons why i should stay. and those 2 reasons were, because 1. i wanted to go to school and 2. because i couldn’t leave miguel and casey. they are my world.

but that day, after i made that list, i decided to stay home. just because things at home started looking up.

but when i came home this afternoon, my mom was sooo mad at me [for lying about how i got to the party yesterday, for leaving my tennis rackets at church and basically for being the biggest problem in the family]

scene: [you’re soo lucky this wasn’t you]
issa enters house
issa: hi mom [kisses her on cheek]
mom: [gives me the stink eye] ikaw issa, you’re soo fond of making me mad huh? do you want me to do this to you…. starts hitting me with her pants. i felt the buckles and buttons hit my face. i ducked and covered my face.  but then she started kicking me and i was at the corner of the room and my mom could’ve killed me til my papa went out of the room and ta daaaah, saved the day. not.

unsa man?! TELL YOUR PAPA! TELL HIM!

papa: tell me what!?

mama: ISSA RODE WITH JAMES AND HIS FRIENDS YESTERDAY GOING TO THE DEBUT WHEN YOU GAVE HER STRICT INSTRUCTIONS TO RIDE A TAXI!

papa: is that true?

and then everything after that just turned dark. i remember my mom saying that she wished she killed me just like she aborted the baby before me. and then there was also a lot of hitting in between that.

and then i told them i wanted to leave. my papa said that if i left, i couldn’t come back but i honestly didn’t care anymore. i just wanted to get out of that house and i just wanted to NOT be part of that family anymore. my mom got mad when i told her i wanted to leave and started hitting me some more but papa kept stopping her. then she said something about why was he defending me and didn’t he want to hit me just as much as she did and shit but he didn’t say anything.

i remember saying please a lot. please, mom. i don’t want to stay here anymore. i’ll actually be giving you a favor. and then she’d hit me for saying please alot. stupid bitch. at least i have manners. and i wasnt asking you to forgive me to FUCK OFF.

my papa gave me permission to leave. but he fucking got my sim cards. he proli didn’t think that i had another extra phone and a sim card is just so easy to get here. lol. so yeah, i left. i left a lot of things there pa gyud. booo.

but whatever. grany has graciously taken me in and she has comforted me the whole time. she even let james come over and hang out so we could talk and so that he could comfort me, too.

and it sucks right now because he’s blaming hisself for everything. he thinks that he’s ruining my life and that if it wasn’t for him, i would still be at home, not bruised.

but honestly, i’m not so bummed about not being at home. it’s actually like a big rock lifted from me. i feel free and i feel like i don’t have much to be scared of or i don’t have to hide anything. cuz i can tell granny anything AND everything and she’s cool about it.

as for james, i honeslty don’t feel bad about leaving because when i needed him, he was there, right away, no questions asked. he comforted me and told me that he loved me and he was just there for me and that was everything i could ever ever ask for.

this is the craziest thing i’ve ever said to anyone. it’s def. the craziest but i’ve never meant anything more in my life.

i don’t care if i’m not with my family as long as i’m with you.
i would leave my house if they told me i couldn’t be with you. [i don’t think i sad=id it like this but i meant this] [and that’s what i did]

this is how i knowi love him as much as i say i do.

xoxo.

im out for tonight.