hurry up and save me

i’m in the office right now sitting in the dark so that if my tears’ll fall, nobody’ll be able to see them. my chest is beating so hard that i think i’m having a hard time breathing and i wish there was someone to talk to, someone who wouldn’t judge me or think that i’m over analyzing things or that i’m foolish and stupid because i know i am but i want to be able to do all these things. for me, at least.

it just occured to me how soon June 25 is coming up. and pretty soon i’ll be face to face with my sister. A sister i’ve had for 9 years and never met. A sister whom i know absolutely about. Someone who will leave like everybody else. what if i grow on her and she leaves? i’m tired of everybody leaving.

After that my dad’ll show up and i don’t know how i feel about this. i’m so scared. there’s so much pressure right now. I’m scared that my hate for him will go away. Sometimes i feel like if i love this stranger, i’ll love my papa less or worse, i’ll end up hurting him. and he amongst everyone doesn’t deserve that. i don’t wanna be the one to hurt him but i know i will because i want to love my dad but nobody can know that because i’m supposed to hate him. he’s hurt me so much and i’m so stupid for even letting the thought of him being a part of my life even enter my mind.

i don’t know what to do anymore. i know that in the next few weeks, my life is going to change completely and i’m not ready for that. I’ve been anticipating this moment for the longest time and it’s finally happening. it’s like a dream come true and a nightmare all wrapped into one. I’m so scared and there’s noone to talk to.

what if he comes and we fight like we always do? what if he comes and i’ll like him so much and my mom will get hurt?either way i’m hurting someone.

i wish i was never born into this situation because it’s too much for me to handle right now.

help me. i’m freaking out.

6 thoughts on “hurry up and save me

  1. After 5 years of having no contact with my dad, I saw him again the other day and even though he hurt us a lot back then, I couldn’t help but feel some smidgen of happiness when I saw him. Happiness, paired with pity cause he looked so unhealthy and sad. But even if I felt those things, I would never ever forget what he did to us growing up.When I got back to Cebu my mom and I had a fight cause we found out she was having an affair with a friend I almost looked up to as a “brother” for years. She’s been lying to us for so long, I don’t know if I’ve lost some respect for her or not. But I’m guessing I have. She said that all she has been doing is looking out for our best interests but sometimes I think she’s taking us further from the life we want.I’m not sure if I can still trust any of them cause I don’t want to anymore. I know our situations are kinda different but you need someone to talk to and I know I do too. Good luck with your dad iss, I’m praying for you always

  2. After 5 years of having no contact with my dad, I saw him again the other day and even though he hurt us a lot back then, I couldn’t help but feel some smidgen of happiness when I saw him. Happiness, paired with pity cause he looked so unhealthy and sad. But even if I felt those things, I would never ever forget what he did to us growing up.When I got back to Cebu my mom and I had a fight cause we found out she was having an affair with a friend I almost looked up to as a “brother” for years. She’s been lying to us for so long, I don’t know if I’ve lost some respect for her or not. But I’m guessing I have. She said that all she has been doing is looking out for our best interests but sometimes I think she’s taking us further from the life we want.I’m not sure if I can still trust any of them cause I don’t want to anymore. I know our situations are kinda different but you need someone to talk to and I know I do too. Good luck with your dad iss, I’m praying for you always

  3. @imizzy – hey iz. thanks for commenting. 🙂 i hope we find people we get to talk to i hate the feeling of it eating me up inside. i’m glad you got to see your dad again. about your mom, at least she’s happy right? or idk. life pretty much sucks right now.

  4. @imizzy – hey iz. thanks for commenting. 🙂 i hope we find people we get to talk to i hate the feeling of it eating me up inside. i’m glad you got to see your dad again. about your mom, at least she’s happy right? or idk. life pretty much sucks right now.

  5. @Aa_bEbE_pHaT_aA – Yeah same here. I want my mom to be happy and believe me, I have no problem with her being with another man but it’s just that the guy she’s with right now is someone I used to know and idk it’s just too awkward and weird for me I don’t want to see her with him at all!

  6. @Aa_bEbE_pHaT_aA – Yeah same here. I want my mom to be happy and believe me, I have no problem with her being with another man but it’s just that the guy she’s with right now is someone I used to know and idk it’s just too awkward and weird for me I don’t want to see her with him at all!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.